Patrick Stoner: I'm depressed. I really should get into another line of work. 

George Clooney: What's wrong, Pat? Talk to me. What's the problem? 

Stoner: Oh, I don't know. I just haven't done a very good job [of interviewing] today. I talked to Chris [O'Donnell] and Uma [Thurman], and I just didn't do a very good job. 

Clooney: OK, OK, sit down. I'll pull your fat out of the fire here. I'll give you a good interview. Just leave it all to me. But don't screw it up, Pat. I mean, where do you go from PBS, right? 

Stoner: True. Next is a cable access show, I suppose. 

Clooney: I did that -- cable. Oh, yeah. I worked for Warner Cable. Oh, yes. So, let's see if we can keep you off that. 

Stoner: OK, I'll give it a try. Still, here's the thing. I watched you closely in BATMAN AND ROBIN, and I just didn't see you really working very hard. 

Clooney: You know ... let me just tell you something, Patrick, because I think it's time it all comes out. I directed this film. I wrote it, I directed it, and I played all the parts. 

Stoner: [laughs] Really! Well, this IS a scoop. And Joel Schumacher...? 

Clooney: [smiling] You're not going to air this, are you? Just between us -- Joel Schumacher is a real pain in the ass. 

Stoner: [laughs] No, I hadn't heard this. He seems so nice. 

Clooney: It's all a front. [laughs] No, he made this very easy. No matter how long the day or difficult the shot, he kept us all feeling good about it. 

Stoner: Now, how about YOUR problem -- practical joking? 

Clooney: I don't do those any more. 

Stoner: Oh, good, because you destroyed several of your friends' lives. [laughs] 

Clooney: They were weak. Well, OK, I did do ONE practical joke on the set. I haven't told anyone this yet [before the Letterman appearance]: You know, I play a doctor on TV, and I have a lot of friends who play doctors. So, I got some of them and -- you'll love this, but don't tell him -- we told Arnold he had a heart problem. 

Stoner: [laughs] That was a joke? He didn't? 

Clooney: Nah. Big, dumb Austrian. Bought it. It might be better not to mention it to him, though. [in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent] "Vat is this, Clooney? A joke???" Let's just keep it between us, Pat.